I just don’t know what I’m doing. Are you there? Are you listening? Are you responding? Not sure.
I’m usually about 2-3 minutes in before I start the self talk.
“God can hear me, God knows my thoughts before I think them. If he knows my thoughts, why should I speak them? If I don’t speak them, or even think them, are the things I thought I would think even prayers, or simply foreshadows of something that never happens…?”
Uggh.
I say start, because I really don’t.
I won’t give you some cheesy BS line about my life being a prayer…I don’t pray. I rarely see the difference it makes, I feel more like I’m talking to myself than I’m talking to God.
I will take a 12 minute daily journey of prayer for the next 30 days…That’s six hours. That’s more than i’ve prayed total in the last well…years….
this should be interesting. Jesus modeled prayer right? I think I want to be like him. I guess I should pray too…
12 minutes, but I think I need a new 12 minute focus. The conversation is much more free-flowing in the Scheller house. Sarah and I, while we still have our ups and downs, our high talk days and our low talk days, are communicating with greater frequency and much more naturally.
With that in mind, I think I need a new 12 minute focus. Everybody who knows my faults and deficiencies are welcome to chime in…Where should I place 12 minutes of focus in my daily life over the next 30 days?
Is anyone else up to the 12 minute challenge?
I feel like it’s changing my life. Could it change yours?
Where is the place where you don’t share yourself?
Do you hide your creative side? Do you lock up your thoughts and emotions? Do you give your wife 50%? Do you lock God in a box for when you need him?
What could you change in 12 minutes a day…?
It’s weird how ominous 12 minutes sounded when I first got into this. Now, it’s just a way of life.
Tonight Sarah shared how she feels like long-running prayers have been answered. She feels like we’re communicating on the same page. She feels like she’s a part of something.
I do too. We’re tackling problems together. We’re working out solutions to kid problems, back problems, money problems, lovin’ problems, and we’re enjoying each other more…
I’ve always been able to write. I’ve been able to sound funny and witty when the fingers hit the keys, but struggle to communicate out loud. I feel like that’s changing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still hilariously charming with the written word, but now I’m opening up a little more of the 98% that goes on inside my head…and she likes it. Whoa, she loves it.
And why wouldn’t she? She loves me.
I sleep with a CPAP.
For those that don’t know, that’s Continuous Positive Airway Pressure.
I have sleep apnea. I had a sleep study done a while back, and basically, without the CPAP, I stop breathing for up to a minute. And that happens over and over again, up to 60 times per hour.
Can you imagine taking one breath per minute?
The CPAP forces my windpipe open. It forces me to breathe.
Isn’t that just wrong?
In Genesis, it says, “God breathed into the man the Breath of Life.” Doesn’t it just feel like a curse that I or you should not be able to accept the gift that has been given? That which God imparts, my flesh fights against. It doesn’t want to take it in, and so I need to put fail-safes in place to make sure I accept it.
For me, this just represents the push and pull that we all do with God. There’s this amazing gift that we know is life-giving, and yet we fight against it. We push and pull. And when we see that we can’t do it on our own, we put in our own fail-safes. We create systems and process for prayer, for worship, for talking to God for just twelve minutes a day hoping that, God is still leaving the offer on the table that we can have the breath of life.
Sometimes the power goes out on our own plans. And then what happens?
We just lay there and unconsciously pray that we don’t suffocate. That God will continue to let us rest. Let us breath. Let us dwell in him, without plans, processes, parameters, or even prayers. Just rest in his arms, and breathe deep his life.
Actually, it was a lot more than 12 minutes. It was so nice to finally see my wife last night. Even though it didn’t really happen until 9pm, when we finally got the chance to talk to each other…It was peaceful. We both shared where we’re at. We both listened to each other. We both had something to say and pray. I really think we’re taking our next steps toward deeper engagement with each other.One thing we’re working hard on right now is money. It’s been an issue all of our marriage. We’re taking steps to be far more intentional with our finances. We’re paying the bills, giving God’s money back, and learning to live on less each month.We’re both in the same place with money for the first time ever. It feels so right to actually be able to talk about it and not be hiding from reality.
Over the last week, I’ve done:
lasted 3 1/2 hours tonight. we had fun living on “the budget,” with special thanks to an unexpected gift from a friend. I laughed at her. After all, I fell in love with her because she made me laugh.We ate Death By Chocolate at Figlio’s.How much can you grow in a week?What is the tipping point?When can you say you aren’t going back?
She spoke of pain not spoken; of a life unshared. Of separation. Of desire.
I spoke in trepidation. In deep tones. Through lifting veils and my heart split open.
12 minutes got raw today. Everything up until now was nothing more than a warmup. Nothing more than small talk.
Today, I shared the struggle I have with exhaustion and pain. How it shuts me down. How i let it take away my voice.I’ve been hurting bad the last two days. Barely able to move until some muscle relaxers and pain meds kick in. When i’m tired or hurting, the first thing to go is my voice. Conversation seems painful. The energy expenditure a deficit.
When I’m silent, she feels alone. When she feels alone, she withdraws.
Who will break the silence?
When I was nine years old my dad died. Suddenly. Unexpectedly.
I didn’t know how to deal emotionally and no one else around me did either. I’ve been quieter ever since. I’ve always managed to keep my feelings on lock down. There have been mild breakthroughs, but they’re fleeting.
When anything feels like pain, it shuts me down. I revert to introversion.
I sometimes hate my own silence. I live in a world where 98% of my conversations are with myself.
Today was raw. Tomorrow will be better because of it.
